Today I had a conversation with a friend who works in tech and is suffering from job burnout. She feels as though all of the joy, meaning, and purpose has been sucked out of work. Like the cruel metaphor of a frog unwittingly being boiled alive in gradually heating water, burnout snuck up on her. At first the perks of working at a successful start up appealed to her, e.g. flexibility to work from home, good food at the office, even a company sponsored trip to the Super Bowl. As time went on, the emotional and physical demands of her job began wearing on her.
A vital human who values interpersonal connection and time spent near the ocean, she describes staring at a computer screen all day as soul-deadening. She is required by her job to be constantly “on,” available for emotional labor and problem solving. These demands are beginning to deplete her ability to enjoy activities outside of work. She finds that she doesn’t have energy to do the things she would like to do on evenings and weekends. Unlike that frog, she realizes that she should jump ship but inertia and fear over losing access to healthcare keep her stuck. She says, “The money is not worth it. I would actually pay them for time off.” She is thinking of a career change but isn’t sure what to do.
My friend would like to find work that is stimulating and plays on her strengths. She has wisely started exploring her interests by asking herself, “What do I like?” It’s a very simple question but simple is not always easy. She has found this query surprisingly difficult to answer and she is not alone. Burnout is a joy killer. Whether you’re interested in career change or more fulfilling leisure time, here are some suggestions to help reconnect with your desires:
Backpacking in the Sierras, 2021
Recall what you liked as a child. What would your younger self be sad to hear that you are no longer doing? What would have your younger self loved to have done that you couldn’t do as a child? Although I now see the racist colonialism of Little House on the Prairie, I loved the books as a child and would pretend to be “pioneer girls” with my sisters in the park across the street from our house. We would wrap a slice of bread in a napkin and pretend we had to subsist on the minimal things we had in our imaginary covered wagons as we traveled out west. Lo and behold, many years later, I still love the adventure of traveling a great distance while carrying everything you need, i.e. backpacking. What did you make-believe and what does that tell you about your heart’s longing?
Reflect on what fascinates and terrifies you. When I was 22 one of my coworkers told me that she went to Europe by herself for 3 weeks. I was intrigued, impressed, and intimidated by her story. I distinctly remember saying, “I could NEVER do that. I would cry myself to sleep every night.” And yet, one year later I embarked on a one month solo trip to Europe. If I did cry on that first night, safe in a hostel bunk in Paris, it was from joy and pride in the fact that I somehow made it to the other side of the world all by myself. We are much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Where in your life have you let fear take the lead?
Notice the experience of joy and pleasure in your body. The more familiar you are with what pleasant sensations feel like in your body, the easier you will be able to recognize the simple things you like. Whether we are numbed from burnout, dissociated from trauma, or socialized as children by culture and/or our families of origin to ignore our inner experience, many of us struggle to pick up on these sensations. Scientists have mapped where people feel emotions in their bodies. When I first looked at the data, human shaped figures filled in with colors corresponding to various emotional states, I was astonished. For years anytime my therapist would ask me where I felt a particular emotion in my body, I had no idea how to answer. These two things have helped:
Day-to-day mindfulness of emotions. When a feeling comes up as I’m going about my day, I take a brief pause (it can be 5 seconds or less if I’m really in the middle of something) to turn inward. I ask myself, “Where do I feel this emotion in my body right now?” If you’re stumped, don’t be discouraged. It’s normal. Just keep asking.
Formal meditation practices, e.g. body scans. The benefits of a body scan are twofold. Body scans will help you become more familiar with turning inward and feeling the physical sensations in your body. Additionally, research shows body scans facilitate stress reduction. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be for joy to arise. If you Google “body scan meditation,” there will be countless guided meditations to choose from. Here are simple instructions:
First and foremost, as with all meditation practices, try to maintain an attitude of curiosity and kindness
Get comfortable. Sit or lie down.
Take a few deep breaths. Notice where you feel breath in your body. Allow your breath to slow and deepen if that’s available.
Systematically scan your entire body. Start at your feet or your head and work your way up or down. There’s no wrong way to do it.
If you feel tension or discomfort, visualize your breath flowing into that part of your body and the tension flowing out of your body with your exhale.
Maybe rediscovering childhood passions, examining self-limiting beliefs, or a body scan won’t immediately give you an “Ah ha!” moment about what to do with your career but it is a start. In my experience, big changes start with small changes. Small changes initiate a domino effect. Even uncovering a small ember of enthusiasm can spark vitality in one's life yet again.