I had planned to be road tripping by myself through the UK right now but I decided to cancel my trip. It was honestly a really difficult decision to make. I absolutely love to travel. I’ve learned so much about myself and the world through my adventures. And, if I’m being honest with you, being a traveler is part of my identity. The Little Hater in my brain says, “If you don’t travel, who ARE you?” Suggesting that I am valuable for what I do vs being inherently worthy.
Little Hater is what I call my inner critic, the voice in my head that suggests I’m too much or not enough. If you listen closely enough, you will probably find an inner critic of your own. Sometimes the inner critic is hard to hear. A little devil on our shoulder constantly whispering in our ear, it’s so familiar and ever-present that we sometimes mistake it's messages for The Truth. So ubiquitous, we may simply not recognize it as a phenomenon in our human experience at all. David Foster Wallace tells a story of two young fish who meet an older fish swimming in the other direction. The older fish says, “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” One of the younger fish asks the other, “What the hell is water?” The inner critic is like the air we breathe, hard to notice because it’s inserting itself into our thoughts everywhere, all of the time.
Modern pop psychology suggests that if something isn’t a “fuck yes” than it’s a “no.” And while I see how this idea can be helpful in some situations, I would like to challenge that notion. My experience of life is that I rarely feel an unadulterated “fuck yes.” My inner critic seems to always want to put their two cents in. When I was trying to decide whether or not to cancel my trip, it was really hard to tease out what were realistic concerns and what was the voice of my Little Hater. Most of the travel I have done has been alone on purpose. I find solo travel to be especially transformative, restorative, and fulfilling. And yet every time I prepare to solo travel, I have doubts. Little Hater pulls out all the stops. I worry I will be robbed, injured, or abducted by terrorists for ransom. I cried on the way to the airport before a month-long trip to New Zealand because I was worried I would be lonely.
So how do you tell the difference between legitimate concerns and your inner critic?
The inner critic is mean. My Little Hater is harsh! When thinking about going on a trip, Little Hater might say, “You’re wayyy too old to stay at hostels. No one will want to talk to you.” Here’s a good litmus test: would you say what you’re telling yourself to a friend? If you wouldn’t, your inner critic is talking.
The inner critic is anxious. If you’re imagining the worst case scenario, the inner critic is likely present. If I imagined being hospitalized for COVID while on vacation, despite the fact that I’m young, healthy, and triple vaxxed, that would be Little Hater at work. The inherently fearful inner critic often repeats itself. It’s a loop or a broken record. A mind hijacked by the inner critic can feel like it’s ruminating or going in circles.
The inner critic is shaming. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. Shame is the feeling that you ARE wrong. Do your thoughts question your worthiness? Little Hater, for example, confused my hobby, i.e. traveling, with my value as a person. The inner critic tells us we are too much (emotional, intense, assertive, etc) and not enough (dumb, uninteresting, ugly, etc.)
The inner critic may sound familiar. Sometimes we recognize the tone or language of our inner critic as that of someone we know, maybe a harsh teacher, boss, older sibling, or parent. When my Little Hater starts should-ing all over me, e.g. “You should do this, you should do that,” I can faintly hear my mom who, like my inner critic, was always most concerned with trying to keep me safe
The inner critic is not constructive. The inner critic only identifies problems and barriers. Realistic thinking tries to move toward a solution and identifies ways to find out whether concerns are legitimate. It may suggest ways to gather more information and find out more. When considering whether or not I should cancel my UK trip, I had realistic thinking online when I decided to come up with a number of COVD cases per capita I was comfortable with and then cancel my trip two weeks prior if the numbers didn’t drop to meet that threshold.
The inner critic speaks in absolutes. The inner critic has dichotomous, all or nothing thinking. The words “always” or “never” suggest that the inner critic is speaking. Realistic thinking is nuanced, allows for shades of gray, and can usually come up with more than 2 solutions for a problem. Little Hater said, “If you don’t go on this trip, will you ever travel internationally again? What if the pandemic never ends?” Realistic thinking reminded me that I was canceling the trip for now and can reschedule at a later date.
The inner critic ignores your values. The inner critic has no concern for what’s fulfilling or important to you. It doesn’t care about fun, learning, or growth. Their only mission is to keep us emotionally and physically safe. When you try to stretch yourself, your inner critic will be the most vociferous objector. Your inner critic will enumerate all of the reasons you should stay in your comfort zone. Interestingly, in this scenario my inner critic was more afraid of canceling the trip and being boring than not canceling the trip and getting sick. I really value being intentional, both with my money and time off. Ultimately, I decided it was not a good use of my resources to risk getting sick on vacation.
I will explore how to have a new kind of relationship with your inner critic in the next blog.