I recently wrote about how to identify your inner critic, that little voice in your head that belittles, judges, and condemns us. Once we notice our inner critic, what do we do with it? Get rid of it? No. Unfortunately, there’s not a delete button in our brains. In fact, granddaddy of therapy Carl Jung said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” Yikes, no thank you. If you don’t believe me, try this: Whatever you do, don’t think of a white polar bear for five minutes. It didn’t work, right? The more we actively try not to think about something, the more it comes to mind. So what do we do?
Have compassion for yourself. Having an inner critic is not a personal failing, it’s human nature. The Stone Age humans that survived long enough to reproduce were the ones who worried about being eaten by a sabertooth tiger, securing shelter, and having enough food. Our evolutionary history also explains why our inner critic responds to emotional threats as well. Our ancestors were appropriately concerned about social dynamics and fitting in with their group at a time when we depended on one another for our survival. While grocery stores and microwaves make the consequences of alienating group members less dire, sticking our foot in our mouth can still feel mortifying because we are hardwired to have worry and self doubt.
Reframe your relationship to the inner critic. No need to wage war with your inner critic. Consider thinking of your inner critic as an overly helpful friend. Upon noticing the inner critic's voice in your head, you may think to yourself, “This is my mind trying hard to protect me and keep me safe." When your inner critic is acting up, consider and acknowledge how your mind is trying to keep you physically or emotionally safe. Some amount of worry can be helpful. It can keep us from hurting ourselves, making costly mistakes, or embarrassing ourselves. Unfortunately, the inner critic sometimes talks in circles and just won’t shut up. The inner critic’s impulse toward safety compromises our health and well being when it is harsh, shaming, and incessant. Like a loved one who smothers you with attention or tries to solve a problem but only makes it worse, the inner critic means well but offers too much of a good thing.
Take what you want and leave the rest. Use discernment to tune into the inner critic's legitimate concerns, if there are any. Engage your problem-solving skills and identify a course of action if appropriate. Allow the rest of the inner critic's unhelpful commentary to fade into the background of your consciousness. Like the adult contemporary classics playing at the grocery store or your annoying drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, you can’t turn the volume down on the inner critic, you can’t make it go away, but you don’t really have to pay any attention to it either. Sure the inner critic is going to be there making noise, but you don’t have to actively listen. But what if the inner critic's comments are compelling and hard to ignore?
Try to get unstuck. Unfortunately, certain thoughts are stickier than others. Like certain pop melodies, some thoughts have a good hook and they get stuck in your head. The inner critic emerges from our deepest darkest fears–often that we are too much, not enough, or unlovable–and those thoughts are hard to shake. Noticing that you’re stuck on a loop of critical or anxious thoughts is an essential first step to getting off that nightmare merry-go-round. Next try these strategies.
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. Try saying to yourself, “My brain is telling me…” In doing so, you’re identifying the inner critic's words or images for what they are, thinking, vs The Truth.
Speak to your yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. Studies have shown that using your own name or the pronoun “you” while engaging in self talk helps individuals have better self control and emotional regulation. Do so distances yourself from your harsh inner critic and allows you to take a broader, more balanced perspective.
Get creative. To help yourself recognize your inner critic as just one part of yourself, give your inner critic a name. Try inventing a whole character for your inner critic, the way it looks, how it sounds, etc. Imagine it speaking to you in a silly voice or having a goofy face so you can take its comments less seriously. Imagine it standing up and walking out of the room.
Reorient to the present moment. Take three deep, slow breaths or have a little stretch to get out of your head and into your body. Notice what’s around you. Some people develop a practice of noticing 5 things they see, 4 things they touch, 3 things they hear, 2 things they smell, and 1 thing they taste.
Act from your values. Consider what’s most important to you and direct your attention and activity in that direction. Is your inner critic telling you “no one likes you” in social situations? If being a good listener is important to you, focus on what other people are saying vs paying attention to the inner critic in your head.
Next time you find yourself being bogged down by your inner critic, don’t get sucked into its whirlpool of anxiety and judgment. You don’t have to wait on confidence, just try to develop a new kind of relationship with self doubt.