In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski write:
“To be well is not to live in a state of perpetual safety and calm but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, or excitement back to safety and calm and out again. Stress is not bad for you. Being stuck is bad for you.”
Experiencing stress is a normal, natural part of life. Stress itself is not bad. It’s inadequately dealing with stress that causes burnout. Dealing with stress can include two parts:
Addressing the stressors
Addressing the emotion of stress in your body
Some stressors are easily handled. Check that thing that has been hanging over your head off your to-do list, finish your taxes, or complete a work project. Some stressors are time-limited and solve themselves. Your in-laws go home or your child grows out of colic. Other stressors are difficult or impossible to resolve. A toxic work situation you cannot afford to leave, the 24 hour demands of parenting, or living in a racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, [insert any ism here] society.
It’s especially important that you find ways to cope with the emotional impact of chronic stressors. You can identify emotions with your mind but they exist within your body via an involuntary chemical and electrical cascade in your nervous system. You may notice some of the bodily effects of stress. I stop breathing into my belly and have shallow breaths. I feel tension in my neck and back and sometimes that tension causes a headache. I have trouble sleeping. You may have chest pains, dizziness, indigestion, or gastrointestinal issues. Long-term ongoing stress can increase the risk for autoimmune diseases, hypertension, heart attack, or stroke.
The bodily response of stress, like all emotions, has a beginning, middle, and, ideally, an end. Burnout happens when we get stuck in the emotion of stress. We may get stuck because of unrelenting stressful situations or because particularly difficult emotions can be too difficult to navigate alone. Regardless of whether you can resolve the stressor, you have to deal with the emotion of stress in your body. You have to find a way to allow your body to finish feeling the feeling. The Nagoski sisters use the metaphor of a tunnel to describe emotions. You have to go all the way through the cycle of stress to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.
The Nagoski sisters propose seven ways to complete the stress cycle in your body
Physical Activity
If a gazelle is able to get away from being chased by a lion, the animal will often shake. Similarly, people often shake when they experience trauma and are in shock. Try shaking off a difficult day of work. Go somewhere private where you won’t mind looking silly, put on some upbeat music, and let loose! If dancing like a person possessed isn’t your thing, any movement can help move stress to the end of its cycle in your body. Try walking, running, rock climbing, roller skating, etc.
Breathing
Take deep breaths. It sounds too easy to be true but research has thoroughly demonstrated its effectiveness. Breathing slowly down-regulates the central nervous system. For best results, take slow breaths in and allow your outbreath to be even slower. Try counting to 4 on the inbreath and 6 on the outbreath. Empty your lungs completely until your abdominal muscles contract to push out every last bit of air. As a bonus, try mindful breathing. Turn your attention to your breath with kind awareness. And when your mind wanders, which it will, just gently return your attention back to your breath. Doing this for even a minute can have a massive impact.
Positive Social Interaction
Imagine a scene in an action movie where the main characters outrun the bad guys that are pursuing them. Maybe they tuck into an abandoned storefront and the bad guys keep moving. They may celebrate with high fives and fist bumps, thereby completing the stress cycle. Acting on the natural inclination to connect with other people tells your body that you’re somewhere safe. You could have a positive social interaction with a beloved or even just the nice person ringing up your groceries at Trader Joe’s. Smile at someone, compliment someone’s earrings, or have a chat with the barista. Experiences of interpersonal kindness tells your body that the world is a safe place.
Laughter
Sometimes you laugh to be nice or as a social lubricant. Sometimes you just can’t help a boisterous laugh. You can hear the difference between my polite chuckles and the real guffaws. If you were to imitate my real laugh, I might feel slightly embarrassed. It’s goofy and can be difficult to do on cue but a real hearty laugh can complete the stress cycle. Make a plan with a friend who draws out your sense of humor or watch some stand up on Netflix.
Physical Affection
Research suggests that a 20 second hug can improve your mood, change your hormones, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and increase the social bonding hormone Oxytocin. Twenty seconds may not be the magic number for you. Try holding your body against someone else, while maintaining your own center of gravity, and embracing until you feel a shift in your breathing and heart rate or an improved sense of calm. Of course, be sure to ask for permission!
Crying
Sometimes stress causes emotion to well up in our bodies and make us feel like crying. If that’s the case, go ahead and cry. Doing so allows the cycle to complete and prevents the emotion from being trapped in your body. I personally love a nice cry but that is not true for everyone. Some people are afraid that if they let themselves start crying they may never stop. I promise you, you will eventually stop crying. Try turning toward the physical experience of crying in your body rather than focusing on the details of whatever is overwhelming you. Pay attention to the sensation of your tears welling up in your eyes or the moisture on your cheeks. Notice where your body has tension, heat, or energy. If you can let go of the thoughts that are upsetting you, you will likely stop crying within a few minutes.
Creative expression
Carrie Fisher (AKA Princess Leia) wrote, “Take your broken heart and turn it into art.” Making something, whether it’s a poem, painting, or a knit cap, allows you to move your feelings from inside your body out into the world. You can also use creativity to imagine a resolution to the stress cycle. For example, if someone was very rude to you while pumping gas you may imagine the perfect comeback while driving away from the gas station. Imagining that you made the perfect zinger and felt in control can help your body complete the stress cycle.
Try these things and see if you feel even just a little bit better. They may not be a silver bullet to solve your chronic stressors but they will help move stress through its cycle to completion and thus reduce the impact on your body. Think of these things as daily acts of hygiene, like brushing your teeth or washing your face. Small daily habits that can add up to drastically benefit our health and well being.