Self care requires self awareness. How can we give ourselves what we need if we don’t know what that is? Sometimes our unmet needs are obvious, like giant waving flags impossible to ignore. Hunger pangs may loudly let us know that we need to eat. Nodding off while reading may clearly indicate we need to sleep. Other times the cues our body sends us about our biological or emotional needs are more subtle or obscured by other factors.
Sometimes we miss our bodies’ cues and overwhelm sneaks up on us. I was on a road trip recently and had a little meltdown while sitting in Seattle traffic. I was sitting behind the driver's seat with tears streaming down my cheeks and I wasn’t totally sure why. After some reflection I realized I needed food, downtime, and to be alone for a while but I had been paying too much attention to maintaining the schedule and following through with commitments to notice.
Unmet needs don’t always end in just tears, they can impact our mood and behavior in a variety of unhelpful ways. Unmet needs can also make us more irritable with coworkers, can lead to fights with your loved ones, or cause us to fall into bad habits that compromise our health. Essentially, unmet needs put us in “risk states” for outcomes that do not support our overall wellbeing. Luckily, there are tools that can help us identify when we might be in risk states that arise from unmet needs.
The acronym HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired, is used in 12 step recovery programs to help people prevent relapse but can be helpful to anyone in avoiding self destructive behaviors. The next time you begin to feel overwhelmed or like things are getting out of hand, consult taking a pause, aka HALT, and ask yourself if any of the following need to be addressed before moving forward:
Are you Hungry? Hunger is notorious for making people angry. There’s even a term for it, “hangry.” Snickers commercials imply that being hungry will turn you into a diva. There are biological reasons that hunger impacts our mood. When our blood sugars drop, cortisol and adrenaline rise in our bodies. These are our fight or flight hormones. A 2014 study found greater aggression among married couples related to low blood glucose levels. Hunger can also make it harder to concentrate, thereby making things like work more difficult.
Are you Angry? Anger is a normal, healthy thing to experience. Anger is often justified and can motivate us to move toward justice. Acting impulsively on anger, however, does not always serve our best interests. Often giving yourself some time to cool down can lead to better outcomes. Consider taking 3 deep breaths, counting to ten, or taking a walk. Anger is often a sign that our expectations were not met or our boundaries have been crossed. By taking time to reflect on why we are angry, we can be thoughtful about how to get our unmet needs met.
Are you Lonely? Loneliness is a universal human emotion. It’s possible to feel lonely or unseen even in the presence of others. If you find yourself in need of connection, call a loved one, schedule a hang out with a friend, or have lunch with a colleague. Or if you’re like me and need alone time to connect with yourself, step away to recharge.
Are you Tired? Adults are simply full grown children. And just like babies, we get cranky when we get tired. If you’re tired, take a nap or have a sit. Consider resting before tackling that next project or waiting to broach a difficult subject until after a full night's sleep.
Obviously, this is not a comprehensive list. HALT includes two physical states and two emotional states. Countless other physical and emotional states may impair our ability to function in our own best interests, including pain, psychoactive drugs, or fear. Adapt this tool to suit your needs. You might have noticed that I included time alone with “Lonely” because that’s something that often comes up for me. A friend of mine practices with the acronym HALTS. She added a letter “S” for “Serious.” If things are not going well she pauses and considers if she’s being too serious. Is there an unmet need for play? Is she taking herself or her perspective too seriously? When things feel off for another friend, he checks in with himself to see how long it’s been since he rode his bike. Like him, you may like to add a silent E to help you remember your need for exercise.
Instead of waiting until things begin to go awry, consider making a habit of doing an inner inventory of unmet needs. My 13 year old niece might call it an inner “vibe check.” Consider checking in with yourself throughout your day to remain aware of any unmet needs. You can do so by linking the behavior with things you already do regularly, e.g. when you drive to/from work, stretch, use the restroom, journal, or engage in mindfulness practices.