Finding Purpose

The helplessness and hopelessness of burnout can make what we do feel pointless. We feel impotent, unable to act effectively due to overwhelm, overwork, or structural barriers. Often burnout extends into our personal lives when long hours or emotional depletion deprives us of the time or energy to engage in meaningful leisure activities.

Time off, fun, and relaxation are valuable tools in avoiding or mitigating burnout but these tools are made infinitely more powerful if imbued with a sense of purpose. Research suggests that a sense of purpose in life predicts both health and longevity. Having a sense of purpose may decrease isolation as people with a sense of purpose are rated as being more enjoyable to be around. Having a sense of purpose can make us feel anchored in who we are, enhance self esteem, and help mitigate the emotional impact of inevitable life stressors and the drudgery of day to day life. 

Some find guidance about meaning and purpose in their religious faith and spiritual traditions; some make it up from scratch based on their deepest values. It can be helpful to contemplate the meaning of life and your sense of purpose through meditation, journaling, or in conversation with a trusted guide, friend, coach, or therapist. Many uncover a sense of purpose through noticing which actions and activities feel the most fulfilling. 

Meaning is the reason WHY we do what we do. Meaning answers the question, “What is the point of this whole thing?” The things people identify as giving their life meaning are often broad concepts and tend to be very similar across people and cultures. Many people, for example, may cite love, relationships with others, or a higher power as what gives their life meaning. Meaning making is a cognitive process which allows us to make sense of our lives. Whether you believe a higher power gives your life meaning or you create meaning by identifying your deepest values, meaning gives us a sense of a coherent narrative as we look back on our life. 

Purpose is defined by the ACTIVITIES that anchor our lives. A sense of purpose gives us a reason to get up in the morning. It’s possible to think that life is meaningless and still have a sense of purpose, e.g. a nihilist may feel their purpose is to be of service and thus spends their life helping people. Similarly, it’s possible to think that life has meaning but to have lost one's sense of purpose. A person’s purpose is often more specific and personal than what gives a person’s life meaning. We don’t say, “The purpose in life is to…” We say, “My purpose in life is to…” Examples of purpose include being a supportive loved one or community member, fighting for social justice or an environmental cause, contributing to a body of scientific research, or expressing yourself through creative endeavors.

A sense of purpose is not to be confused with setting goals. Goals are specific and measurable, e.g. lose 5 lbs, run a half marathon, or retire by age 50. Whether they are short term or long term, personal or professional, realistic or a long shot, goals are discreet things that can be put on a list and checked off one by one. While having a sense of purpose can help us achieve goals, purpose is not something that can be achieved. Purpose is more stable and far-reaching than goals. Someone may have a goal to go on tour with their band but their purpose may be to express themselves through music. Ideally our purpose includes activities that we can do regularly and on an ongoing basis.

A sense of purpose is a north star, a way to organize and orient one's life. If we have a purpose, we know what to do next. Purpose organizes our actions, it helps us decide what to do with our finite resources of time and attention once our obligations in life are completed, e.g. work, shopping, chores. If we have a clear purpose, we will turn toward those activities instead of mindlessly scrolling or watching tv. If we have no purpose, we wander aimlessly through life and we languish. Lack of purpose is deeply existentially upsetting and can lead to depression.

Activities that give us a sense of purpose are: 

• Toward a beneficial aim. Purpose offers something to the world; it’s not simply about acquiring things. For example, a sense of purpose could be “provide for my loved ones” but not “get rich.” However, getting rich may be a goal that is in support of providing for loved ones. A sense of purpose either benefits others or involves self expression, which indirectly benefits others. Self expression invites others to bring their true selves forward. Self expression allows us to be more knowable and thus enhances human connection. Furthermore, creatively expressing our internal landscapes–whether by music, dance, visual art, writing, or ceramics–creates beauty in the world for all to enjoy.

• Intrinsically motivating. Some may describe activities that give them a sense of purpose as their passion. Activities that give us a sense of purpose are enjoyable in and of themselves. These activities may not give us a strong hit of feel good brain chemicals like shopping, sex, or eating a fresh baked cookie, but do offer a sense of enhanced well being. 

• Present-moment focused. Activities that give us a sense of purpose bring our awareness outside of ourselves. Focusing our attention on what’s in front of us enhances our present moment awareness, i.e. mindfulness. These activities often involve use of one's hands or engagement with another human being. The constant real time feedback of helping another person or throwing a clay pot means that your brain has less bandwidth to think about a painful past or stressful future. A wandering mind is an unhappy mind.

• Immersive and engrossing. Activities that give us a sense of purpose often result in a flow state. We may feel deeply absorbed and lost in the activity. We may feel as though our senses are heightened and time has slowed down. There may be a sense of effortless momentum or a feeling of being “in the zone.” The mind’s incessant chatter fades and you may feel a sense of clarity and ease. 

• Not always easy. The flow states that often characterize the activities that give us a sense of purpose are less likely to happen during relaxation but rather during activities that are difficult yet worthwhile. Sometimes you may feel like you’re no good. But you don’t have to be a talented oil painter for oil painting to give your life purpose. Being of service to others can at times be difficult and painful.

The activities that you do that give you a sense of purpose may naturally change over time due to shifts in interest, external circumstances, or stage of life changes. There are ways, however, to protect your sense of purpose:

• Avoid setting goals. Being focused on outcomes can diminish the present moment enjoyment of activities. If your goal is too easy, you may reach your goal and feel done. If your goal is too hard, you may feel discouraged.

• Avoid comparisons to others. Don’t get lost in thoughts of upward comparisons. As Roosevelt said, comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison can diminish the self-esteem benefits of activities that give us a sense of purpose. 

• Avoid making your job your sole sense of purpose. You may be lucky enough to have work that aligns with your sense of purpose but it’s very important to have activities in your life that give you a sense of purpose outside of work. Though sometimes it may feel like you do, you cannot work all the time. Ideally your purpose can guide what to do outside of work hours.

Identify activities in your life that give you a sense of purpose. Consider journaling or sitting in quiet contemplation on the following questions: 

• What activities, even for a short period of time, give you a sense of relief or feel so engaging that everything else seems a little less important? 

• What activities make you feel better about yourself? 

• What activities are challenging but do not lead to feelings of shame and disappointment? 

• Which activities give you the sense of flow, where you are so immersed that you may lose track of time effortlessly moving from one action to the next? 

• Which activities allow what is inside your mind or heart to be known by others? 

Develop new activities that give you a sense of purpose. We may have to try different things, develop new skills, and experiment to see what elicits a sense of immersion and engagement. Try a guided meditation to identify what you might like to try in real life.

Get settled. Close your eyes to help turn your focus inward. Take a moment to notice your body. If there are areas of tension, see if you can release them. Readjust if needed to find comfort and stillness. Take at least three deep breaths, extending the exhale just a bit longer than the inhale. See if you can inhale from the bottom of your belly to the top of your throat and exhale completely, pushing out the last bit of air with your diaphragm. Allow your breath to return to a natural state. When words or images inevitably pop up in your mind, see if you can allow them to float away like leaves on a stream. 

Engage your imagination. Imagine you’re in a giant warehouse that contains anything you can imagine. If you’re into Star Trek, you can imagine the holodeck, a room that can project 3D simulations of anything in Federation space or beyond. If you prefer Harry Potter, you might think of the Room of Requirement, a room that changes depending on who opens the door and offers everything a person needs. 

Experiment within your mind. Maybe there’s paint brushes and canvas, embroidery equipment, someone to whom you can offer support, a plant or animal you can care for, a drum set to bang on, a scientific lab, or a crowd with whom to protest for social change. There is everything you need to make that thing you’ve been dreaming of making or do that thing your heart has been calling you to do. 

Keep experimenting! It’s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose one's sense of purpose. Try things, experiment, and play around. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else or judge the quality of your efforts. It may require you to step outside of your comfort zone a bit. Be brave, follow the thread of your curiosity, and find what speaks to you. And then try something else! 

Three Steps to Finding a Good Therapist

It seems more challenging than ever to find a good therapist. Many loved ones have come to me for help finding a therapist in recent months. They contact dozens of therapists, most never respond and those that do are not accepting new patients. Kaiser therapists have been on an open-ended strike for two months because they do not have adequate staffing to provide enough therapy for everyone who needs it. It’s a courageous act to ask for help. And it can be especially difficult to have the patience, tenacity, and follow through required to find a therapist when you’re struggling with burnout, mental health, or significant life stressors. While I may not be able to fix the workforce shortage, I will offer the following guidance to hopefully make the process a tiny bit easier.

Step 1: Take Time to Reflect

Get clear on why you are looking for help and what you hope to achieve. Journal or talk it over with a friend. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What do I want to work on?

• What do I expect from a therapist? 

• What do I want my life to look like at the end of our work together?

Make a list of your priorities. Consider these factors:

• Location of therapy office.

• In-person or virtual visits. 

• The clinician’s hourly rate if not covered by health insurance. 

• Demographics such as the therapist's race, gender, age, sexuality, etc.

• Education and experience. 

• Expertise or therapeutic modality.

• Schedule availability.

• Personality factors, e.g. maybe you want someone funny or serious, quiet or talkative, etc. 

Step 2: Find Prospective Therapists 

• Ask for recommendations. Ask trusted friends or people you know in the profession for recommendations. Ask them why they think the person they are recommending may be a good fit for you. If you find someone who you think you might like to work with but they are not accepting clients, ask them who they would recommend. 

• Explore professional organization registries. If you’re looking for someone with someone with a specific expertise or orientation, there are likely organizations that have lists of providers. For example, you can find referral directories for sex therapists, art therapists , or therapists certified in Internal Family Systems to name just a few.

• Ask you health insurance for a list of approved providers. If therapy will be covered by your health insurance, the health insurance company will be able to provide a list of therapists on their panels.

• Find low cost alternatives. If using health insurance is not an option and you have limited budget, consider looking for low to no cost options like Open Path or community mental health clinics. The US government website, Find Treatment, allows you to search for therapists that offer a sliding scale in your community. Psychotherapy and support groups can also be low to no cost, including 12 step groups for a range of issues.

• And of course there’s Google. Googling therapists in your area will likely bring you to Psychology Today, which is a popular directory in which therapists can pay to be listed.  

Step 3: Conduct Consultation Interviews

Success in psychotherapy is best predicted by the quality of the relationship between the therapist and the client. Therefore, it is critically important that you find someone with whom you click. Many therapists offer free 15 minute consultations. If possible, I highly recommend that you interview several people to get a sense of what and who resonates with you. Start by giving them a sense of what you’d like to work on in therapy and then ask them questions based on your priorities. 

Examples of questions you may ask include: 

• What is your expertise? 

• What kind of training do you have? 

• What is your license? 

• What might the work we do together look like? 

• Have you had success working with people like me? 

After the interview, do a gut check. Did the therapist make you feel comfortable, seen, or heard? Did you like them? Was there any emotional resonance? 

Some red flags to watch out for: 

• Promising outcomes. While there are no restrictions on coaches or other healers, licensed therapists are not allowed to make promises regarding specific treatment outcomes.

• Talking too much about themselves. While some clients feel comforted knowing some personal information about their therapist, the focus of therapy should always be you.

• Power struggles. A skilled therapist is going to encourage growth but is not going to dig in their heels and try to convince you of anything.

• Criticism or judgment. Therapists should be open minded and non-judgemental of your lifestyle and choices. A therapist may offer some gentle confrontation regarding choices that interfere with your goals but you should feel respected.

• Lack of interest or compassion. Your therapist should express curiosity and kindness to you. The first therapist I ever saw repeatedly nodded off during sessions but I didn’t know enough to know that I could expect more.

• Breach of confidentiality. A therapist should not give information about you, including the fact that you are in therapy, to your friends, family, anyone else unless you’ve given them permission to do so. 

• Boundary violations. A therapist must maintain a professional relationship; your therapist shouldn’t hang out with you between sessions, go into business with you, etc. Most importantly, therapy never includes sex, romance, or non-consensual touch. 

• Ineffective communication. It’s unhelpful if a therapist speaks in psychobabble or in jargon you don’t understand. If you find yourself having to repeatedly re-explain things friends or family members would easily understand, it may not be a good fit. 

• Lack of professional license. An individual must have a professional license to practice therapy, unless they are trainees and practicing under the supervision of another licensed professional. 

• Inadequate training. You may require a therapist to have specific training in the issue you are looking to address, e.g. PTSD, eating disorder, or phobias.

• Poor emotional regulation. Your therapist should not become easily overwhelmed or upset by the information you share with them. Therapists may be appropriately moved to tears or feel anger on behalf of their clients but you need to feel as though your therapist has the emotional fortitude to handle whatever you share. 

• Over- or under-directive. Therapy is a collaborative effort; you and your therapist should influence the direction of therapy. A therapist should be supportive but also help you stretch, take risks, and change.

Once you make a decision about who to work with, give it a little time. All new relationships come with some anxiety and therapy is not always going to be easy. We go to therapy because we want things to change and change can be difficult. Stay tuned for another blog post about making the most of therapy.

Coaching vs Therapy: What is the Difference?

The line between coaching and therapy can be blurry and many people, like myself, identify as both a therapist and a coach. Ask a thousand people to describe the difference and you may get a thousand different responses. However, there are only three important distinctions between coaching and therapy. 

Three differences between coaching and therapy:

1. Therapists can diagnose and treat mental health conditions; coaches cannot. This may be the single most important distinction. While all therapists can diagnose and treat mental health conditions or trauma, not all of them do. The clients I see as a therapist do not necessarily have a diagnosable mental health condition or trauma. Many people seek therapy for optimization and personal growth and therapists can be well-trained to support people in these goals. Unfortunately, many coaches do not know enough about mental health and trauma to know when to refer to a therapist. If you are looking for a coach and have a mental health condition and/or history of trauma, I would recommend getting a coach that is trained as a therapist or see a coach and a therapist who can coordinate to ensure consistency of care.

2. Therapists are highly trained professionals; anyone can call themselves a coach. According to California law, therapists must have at least a master's degree from an accredited school, pass a series of licensing exams, and have a certain amount of documented experience. A therapist must have at least 2 years and 3,000 hours+ of post-grad school experience practicing therapy under the supervision of a licensed therapist. There is no standard education or training for coaches. A training program is not necessary to call oneself a coach but most coaching certifications programs are online and take between 20 and 160 hours.

3. Therapists are regulated by state laws and licensing boards; the coaching industry is unregulated. Legal mandates regarding roles and responsibilities in the practice of psychotherapy are designed to protect you, the consumer, by ensuring your privacy and safety. If a therapist does something illegal or unethical, therapists may be disciplined or stripped of their license to practice by state regulating bodies. No such consequences exist for unethical coaches. Therapists must protect client confidentiality and maintain appropriate boundaries with clients. They cannot solicit testimonials from clients or be allowed to make promises about the outcome of their treatment. 

Three common misconceptions about the difference between coaching and therapy:

1. Therapists look toward the past, coaches look toward the future. Both coaches and therapists help individuals work toward future goals. Therapists are trained in a variety of theoretical orientations and techniques, some of which tend to focus on childhood experiences, like traditional Freudian psychoanalysis. However, many theoretical orientations focus on the present. I tend to work from a Humanistic-Existential perspective and use mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral interventions, which focus on the present and help people build meaningful lives.

2. Therapists or coaches don’t specialize in [insert niche here.] While it may occur to more people to find a couples therapist rather than a relationship coach or an executive coach instead of an executive therapist, there are both therapists and coaches who specialize in whatever niche you can imagine. 

3. Therapists work on problems, coaches work on maximizing potential. While therapists' education and training in mental health make them uniquely qualified to work on deficits in people’s lives, both therapists and coaches can help you grow and become happier and more effective. In fact, there’s a term in therapy called “self actualization,” which refers to the innate drive in all humans to realize one's talents and potential. Both therapists and coaches can help people feel unstuck, overcome obstacles, identify and build upon personal strengths and values. 

The similarities between coaches and therapists outweigh the differences.

Ideally, both coaches and therapists: 

• Ask evocative questions and engage in active listening.

• Are collaborative, empathetic, and supportive. 

• Give constructive feedback and accurate reflections.

• Support you in identifying goals and go at your pace.

The kind of support a therapist or coach provides and the style in which they do so, depends more on the individual than their title. Individual style is shaped by how an individual has been trained and their personality. Like all people, therapists and coaches can be more or less funny, compassionate, talkative, cerebral, creative, etc. A coach or therapist’s approach can range from more informal to more structured. Some individuals are more directive, i.e. they guide the work you do, while others are less directive, i.e. they allow you to have more influence on what happens in session.

Ideally the person you are seeing, regardless of their title or formal training, demonstrates trustworthiness, emotional resonance, and competence. There are skilled and unskilled people in all kinds of helping professions. And sometimes a good person may be a bad fit for you. Research has shown that the best predictor of success in psychotherapy is the client's perception of the quality of the relationship. As far as I know, a similar study has not been done regarding coaching but I can only imagine a good rapport between client and coach leads to better outcomes as well. In addition to asking about a potential coach or therapist’s training and experience, consider how the person makes you feel when you talk to them. Trust your gut.

Regardless of whether you decide to work with a therapist or a coach, consider interviewing several people before deciding on who to work with. Many of the clients I see tend to be individuals who function well in the various domains of their lives (e.g. school, work, relationships, health, etc.) but want to live up to their full potential. They are staying afloat, but perhaps they want to feel less like they’re treading water and more like they are flying. If you’d like to work with me, get on my waitlist.

Feeling Moody? HALT!

Self care requires self awareness. How can we give ourselves what we need if we don’t know what that is? Sometimes our unmet needs are obvious, like giant waving flags impossible to ignore. Hunger pangs may loudly let us know that we need to eat. Nodding off while reading may clearly indicate we need to sleep. Other times the cues our body sends us about our biological or emotional needs are more subtle or obscured by other factors.

Sometimes we miss our bodies’ cues and overwhelm sneaks up on us. I was on a road trip recently and had a little meltdown while sitting in Seattle traffic. I was sitting behind the driver's seat with tears streaming down my cheeks and I wasn’t totally sure why. After some reflection I realized I needed food, downtime, and to be alone for a while but I had been paying too much attention to maintaining the schedule and following through with commitments to notice. 

Unmet needs don’t always end in just tears, they can impact our mood and behavior in a variety of unhelpful ways. Unmet needs can also make us more irritable with coworkers, can lead to fights with your loved ones, or cause us to fall into bad habits that compromise our health. Essentially, unmet needs put us in “risk states” for outcomes that do not support our overall wellbeing. Luckily, there are tools that can help us identify when we might be in risk states that arise from unmet needs. 

The acronym HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired, is used in 12 step recovery programs to help people prevent relapse but can be helpful to anyone in avoiding self destructive behaviors. The next time you begin to feel overwhelmed or like things are getting out of hand, consult taking a pause, aka HALT, and ask yourself if any of the following need to be addressed before moving forward: 

Are you Hungry? Hunger is notorious for making people angry. There’s even a term for it, “hangry.” Snickers commercials imply that being hungry will turn you into a diva. There are biological reasons that hunger impacts our mood. When our blood sugars drop, cortisol and adrenaline rise in our bodies. These are our fight or flight hormones. A 2014 study found greater aggression among married couples related to low blood glucose levels. Hunger can also make it harder to concentrate, thereby making things like work more difficult. 

Are you Angry? Anger is a normal, healthy thing to experience. Anger is often justified and can motivate us to move toward justice. Acting impulsively on anger, however, does not always serve our best interests. Often giving yourself some time to cool down can lead to better outcomes. Consider taking 3 deep breaths, counting to ten, or taking a walk. Anger is often a sign that our expectations were not met or our boundaries have been crossed. By taking time to reflect on why we are angry, we can be thoughtful about how to get our unmet needs met.

Are you Lonely? Loneliness is a universal human emotion. It’s possible to feel lonely or unseen even in the presence of others. If you find yourself in need of connection, call a loved one, schedule a hang out with a friend, or have lunch with a colleague. Or if you’re like me and need alone time to connect with yourself, step away to recharge. 

Are you Tired? Adults are simply full grown children. And just like babies, we get cranky when we get tired. If you’re tired, take a nap or have a sit. Consider resting before tackling that next project or waiting to broach a difficult subject until after a full night's sleep.

Obviously, this is not a comprehensive list. HALT includes two physical states and two emotional states. Countless other physical and emotional states may impair our ability to function in our own best interests, including pain, psychoactive drugs, or fear. Adapt this tool to suit your needs. You might have noticed that I included time alone with “Lonely” because that’s something that often comes up for me. A friend of mine practices with the acronym HALTS. She added a letter “S” for “Serious.” If things are not going well she pauses and considers if she’s being too serious. Is there an unmet need for play? Is she taking herself or her perspective too seriously? When things feel off for another friend, he checks in with himself to see how long it’s been since he rode his bike. Like him, you may like to add a silent E to help you remember your need for exercise.

Instead of waiting until things begin to go awry, consider making a habit of doing an inner inventory of unmet needs. My 13 year old niece might call it an inner “vibe check.” Consider checking in with yourself throughout your day to remain aware of any unmet needs. You can do so by linking the behavior with things you already do regularly, e.g. when you drive to/from work, stretch, use the restroom, journal, or engage in mindfulness practices.

Stress is not the Problem

In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski write: 

“To be well is not to live in a state of perpetual safety and calm but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, or excitement back to safety and calm and out again. Stress is not bad for you. Being stuck is bad for you.” 

Experiencing stress is a normal, natural part of life. Stress itself is not bad. It’s inadequately dealing with stress that causes burnout. Dealing with stress can include two parts: 

• Addressing the stressors

• Addressing the emotion of stress in your body

Some stressors are easily handled. Check that thing that has been hanging over your head off your to-do list, finish your taxes, or complete a work project. Some stressors are time-limited and solve themselves. Your in-laws go home or your child grows out of colic. Other stressors are difficult or impossible to resolve. A toxic work situation you cannot afford to leave, the 24 hour demands of parenting, or living in a racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, [insert any ism here] society. 

It’s especially important that you find ways to cope with the emotional impact of chronic stressors. You can identify emotions with your mind but they exist within your body via an involuntary chemical and electrical cascade in your nervous system. You may notice some of the bodily effects of stress. I stop breathing into my belly and have shallow breaths. I feel tension in my neck and back and sometimes that tension causes a headache. I have trouble sleeping. You may have chest pains, dizziness, indigestion, or gastrointestinal issues. Long-term ongoing stress can increase the risk for autoimmune diseases, hypertension, heart attack, or stroke.

The bodily response of stress, like all emotions, has a beginning, middle, and, ideally, an end. Burnout happens when we get stuck in the emotion of stress. We may get stuck because of unrelenting stressful situations or because particularly difficult emotions can be too difficult to navigate alone. Regardless of whether you can resolve the stressor, you have to deal with the emotion of stress in your body. You have to find a way to allow your body to finish feeling the feeling. The Nagoski sisters use the metaphor of a tunnel to describe emotions. You have to go all the way through the cycle of stress to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Nagoski sisters propose seven ways to complete the stress cycle in your body

1. Physical Activity

   If a gazelle is able to get away from being chased by a lion, the animal will often shake. Similarly, people often shake when they experience trauma and are in shock. Try shaking off a difficult day of work. Go somewhere private where you won’t mind looking silly, put on some upbeat music, and let loose! If dancing like a person possessed isn’t your thing, any movement can help move stress to the end of its cycle in your body. Try walking, running, rock climbing, roller skating, etc.

2. Breathing

   Take deep breaths. It sounds too easy to be true but research has thoroughly demonstrated its effectiveness. Breathing slowly down-regulates the central nervous system. For best results, take slow breaths in and allow your outbreath to be even slower. Try counting to 4 on the inbreath and 6 on the outbreath. Empty your lungs completely until your abdominal muscles contract to push out every last bit of air. As a bonus, try mindful breathing. Turn your attention to your breath with kind awareness. And when your mind wanders, which it will, just gently return your attention back to your breath. Doing this for even a minute can have a massive impact.

3. Positive Social Interaction 

   Imagine a scene in an action movie where the main characters outrun the bad guys that are pursuing them. Maybe they tuck into an abandoned storefront and the bad guys keep moving. They may celebrate with high fives and fist bumps, thereby completing the stress cycle. Acting on the natural inclination to connect with other people tells your body that you’re somewhere safe. You could have a positive social interaction with a beloved or even just the nice person ringing up your groceries at Trader Joe’s. Smile at someone, compliment someone’s earrings, or have a chat with the barista. Experiences of interpersonal kindness tells your body that the world is a safe place.

4. Laughter

   Sometimes you laugh to be nice or as a social lubricant. Sometimes you just can’t help a boisterous laugh. You can hear the difference between my polite chuckles and the real guffaws. If you were to imitate my real laugh, I might feel slightly embarrassed. It’s goofy and can be difficult to do on cue but a real hearty laugh can complete the stress cycle. Make a plan with a friend who draws out your sense of humor or watch some stand up on Netflix.

5. Physical Affection

   Research suggests that a 20 second hug can improve your mood, change your hormones, lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and increase the social bonding hormone Oxytocin. Twenty seconds may not be the magic number for you. Try holding your body against someone else, while maintaining your own center of gravity, and embracing until you feel a shift in your breathing and heart rate or an improved sense of calm. Of course, be sure to ask for permission! 

6. Crying 

   Sometimes stress causes emotion to well up in our bodies and make us feel like crying. If that’s the case, go ahead and cry. Doing so allows the cycle to complete and prevents the emotion from being trapped in your body. I personally love a nice cry but that is not true for everyone. Some people are afraid that if they let themselves start crying they may never stop. I promise you, you will eventually stop crying. Try turning toward the physical experience of crying in your body rather than focusing on the details of whatever is overwhelming you. Pay attention to the sensation of your tears welling up in your eyes or the moisture on your cheeks. Notice where your body has tension, heat, or energy. If you can let go of the thoughts that are upsetting you, you will likely stop crying within a few minutes.

7. Creative expression 

   Carrie Fisher (AKA Princess Leia) wrote, “Take your broken heart and turn it into art.” Making something, whether it’s a poem, painting, or a knit cap, allows you to move your feelings from inside your body out into the world. You can also use creativity to imagine a resolution to the stress cycle. For example, if someone was very rude to you while pumping gas you may imagine the perfect comeback while driving away from the gas station. Imagining that you made the perfect zinger and felt in control can help your body complete the stress cycle. 

Try these things and see if you feel even just a little bit better. They may not be a silver bullet to solve your chronic stressors but they will help move stress through its cycle to completion and thus reduce the impact on your body. Think of these things as daily acts of hygiene, like brushing your teeth or washing your face. Small daily habits that can add up to drastically benefit our health and well being.

In Relationship with Your Inner Critic

I recently wrote about how to identify your inner critic, that little voice in your head that belittles, judges, and condemns us. Once we notice our inner critic, what do we do with it? Get rid of it? No. Unfortunately, there’s not a delete button in our brains. In fact, granddaddy of therapy Carl Jung said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” Yikes, no thank you. If you don’t believe me, try this: Whatever you do, don’t think of a white polar bear for five minutes. It didn’t work, right? The more we actively try not to think about something, the more it comes to mind. So what do we do?

Have compassion for yourself. Having an inner critic is not a personal failing, it’s human nature. The Stone Age humans that survived long enough to reproduce were the ones who worried about being eaten by a sabertooth tiger, securing shelter, and having enough food. Our evolutionary history also explains why our inner critic responds to emotional threats as well. Our ancestors were appropriately concerned about social dynamics and fitting in with their group at a time when we depended on one another for our survival. While grocery stores and microwaves make the consequences of alienating group members less dire, sticking our foot in our mouth can still feel mortifying because we are hardwired to have worry and self doubt.

Reframe your relationship to the inner critic. No need to wage war with your inner critic. Consider thinking of your inner critic as an overly helpful friend. Upon noticing the inner critic's voice in your head, you may think to yourself, “This is my mind trying hard to protect me and keep me safe." When your inner critic is acting up, consider and acknowledge how your mind is trying to keep you physically or emotionally safe. Some amount of worry can be helpful. It can keep us from hurting ourselves, making costly mistakes, or embarrassing ourselves. Unfortunately, the inner critic sometimes talks in circles and just won’t shut up. The inner critic’s impulse toward safety compromises our health and well being when it is harsh, shaming, and incessant. Like a loved one who smothers you with attention or tries to solve a problem but only makes it worse, the inner critic means well but offers too much of a good thing.

Take what you want and leave the rest. Use discernment to tune into the inner critic's legitimate concerns, if there are any. Engage your problem-solving skills and identify a course of action if appropriate. Allow the rest of the inner critic's unhelpful commentary to fade into the background of your consciousness. Like the adult contemporary classics playing at the grocery store or your annoying drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, you can’t turn the volume down on the inner critic, you can’t make it go away, but you don’t really have to pay any attention to it either. Sure the inner critic is going to be there making noise, but you don’t have to actively listen. But what if the inner critic's comments are compelling and hard to ignore?

Try to get unstuck. Unfortunately, certain thoughts are stickier than others. Like certain pop melodies, some thoughts have a good hook and they get stuck in your head. The inner critic emerges from our deepest darkest fears–often that we are too much, not enough, or unlovable–and those thoughts are hard to shake. Noticing that you’re stuck on a loop of critical or anxious thoughts is an essential first step to getting off that nightmare merry-go-round. Next try these strategies. 

• Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. Try saying to yourself, “My brain is telling me…” In doing so, you’re identifying the inner critic's words or images for what they are, thinking, vs The Truth.

• Speak to your yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. Studies have shown that using your own name or the pronoun “you” while engaging in self talk helps individuals have better self control and emotional regulation. Do so distances yourself from your harsh inner critic and allows you to take a broader, more balanced perspective.

• Get creative. To help yourself recognize your inner critic as just one part of yourself, give your inner critic a name. Try inventing a whole character for your inner critic, the way it looks, how it sounds, etc. Imagine it speaking to you in a silly voice or having a goofy face so you can take its comments less seriously. Imagine it standing up and walking out of the room.

• Reorient to the present moment. Take three deep, slow breaths or have a little stretch to get out of your head and into your body. Notice what’s around you. Some people develop a practice of noticing 5 things they see, 4 things they touch, 3 things they hear, 2 things they smell, and 1 thing they taste.

• Act from your values. Consider what’s most important to you and direct your attention and activity in that direction. Is your inner critic telling you “no one likes you” in social situations? If being a good listener is important to you, focus on what other people are saying vs paying attention to the inner critic in your head. 

Next time you find yourself being bogged down by your inner critic, don’t get sucked into its whirlpool of anxiety and judgment. You don’t have to wait on confidence, just try to develop a new kind of relationship with self doubt.

Identifying Your Inner Critic

I had planned to be road tripping by myself through the UK right now but I decided to cancel my trip. It was honestly a really difficult decision to make. I absolutely love to travel. I’ve learned so much about myself and the world through my adventures. And, if I’m being honest with you, being a traveler is part of my identity. The Little Hater in my brain says, “If you don’t travel, who ARE you?” Suggesting that I am valuable for what I do vs being inherently worthy. 

Little Hater is what I call my inner critic, the voice in my head that suggests I’m too much or not enough. If you listen closely enough, you will probably find an inner critic of your own. Sometimes the inner critic is hard to hear. A little devil on our shoulder constantly whispering in our ear, it’s so familiar and ever-present that we sometimes mistake it's messages for The Truth. So ubiquitous, we may simply not recognize it as a phenomenon in our human experience at all. David Foster Wallace tells a story of two young fish who meet an older fish swimming in the other direction. The older fish says, “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” One of the younger fish asks the other, “What the hell is water?” The inner critic is like the air we breathe, hard to notice because it’s inserting itself into our thoughts everywhere, all of the time. 

Modern pop psychology suggests that if something isn’t a “fuck yes” than it’s a “no.” And while I see how this idea can be helpful in some situations, I would like to challenge that notion. My experience of life is that I rarely feel an unadulterated “fuck yes.” My inner critic seems to always want to put their two cents in. When I was trying to decide whether or not to cancel my trip, it was really hard to tease out what were realistic concerns and what was the voice of my Little Hater. Most of the travel I have done has been alone on purpose. I find solo travel to be especially transformative, restorative, and fulfilling. And yet every time I prepare to solo travel, I have doubts. Little Hater pulls out all the stops. I worry I will be robbed, injured, or abducted by terrorists for ransom. I cried on the way to the airport before a month-long trip to New Zealand because I was worried I would be lonely. 

So how do you tell the difference between legitimate concerns and your inner critic?

The inner critic is mean. My Little Hater is harsh! When thinking about going on a trip, Little Hater might say, “You’re wayyy too old to stay at hostels. No one will want to talk to you.” Here’s a good litmus test: would you say what you’re telling yourself to a friend? If you wouldn’t, your inner critic is talking. 

The inner critic is anxious. If you’re imagining the worst case scenario, the inner critic is likely present. If I imagined being hospitalized for COVID while on vacation, despite the fact that I’m young, healthy, and triple vaxxed, that would be Little Hater at work. The inherently fearful inner critic often repeats itself. It’s a loop or a broken record. A mind hijacked by the inner critic can feel like it’s ruminating or going in circles. 

The inner critic is shaming. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. Shame is the feeling that you ARE wrong. Do your thoughts question your worthiness? Little Hater, for example, confused my hobby, i.e. traveling, with my value as a person. The inner critic tells us we are too much (emotional, intense, assertive, etc) and not enough (dumb, uninteresting, ugly, etc.) 

The inner critic may sound familiar. Sometimes we recognize the tone or language of our inner critic as that of someone we know, maybe a harsh teacher, boss, older sibling, or parent. When my Little Hater starts should-ing all over me, e.g. “You should do this, you should do that,” I can faintly hear my mom who, like my inner critic, was always most concerned with trying to keep me safe

The inner critic is not constructive. The inner critic only identifies problems and barriers. Realistic thinking tries to move toward a solution and identifies ways to find out whether concerns are legitimate. It may suggest ways to gather more information and find out more. When considering whether or not I should cancel my UK trip, I had realistic thinking online when I decided to come up with a number of COVD cases per capita I was comfortable with and then cancel my trip two weeks prior if the numbers didn’t drop to meet that threshold.

The inner critic speaks in absolutes. The inner critic has dichotomous, all or nothing thinking. The words “always” or “never” suggest that the inner critic is speaking. Realistic thinking is nuanced, allows for shades of gray, and can usually come up with more than 2 solutions for a problem. Little Hater said, “If you don’t go on this trip, will you ever travel internationally again? What if the pandemic never ends?” Realistic thinking reminded me that I was canceling the trip for now and can reschedule at a later date.

The inner critic ignores your values. The inner critic has no concern for what’s fulfilling or important to you. It doesn’t care about fun, learning, or growth. Their only mission is to keep us emotionally and physically safe. When you try to stretch yourself, your inner critic will be the most vociferous objector. Your inner critic will enumerate all of the reasons you should stay in your comfort zone. Interestingly, in this scenario my inner critic was more afraid of canceling the trip and being boring than not canceling the trip and getting sick. I really value being intentional, both with my money and time off. Ultimately, I decided it was not a good use of my resources to risk getting sick on vacation.

I will explore how to have a new kind of relationship with your inner critic in the next blog.

What Sparks Joy?

Today I had a conversation with a friend who works in tech and is suffering from job burnout. She feels as though all of the joy, meaning, and purpose has been sucked out of work. Like the cruel metaphor of a frog unwittingly being boiled alive in gradually heating water, burnout snuck up on her. At first the perks of working at a successful start up appealed to her, e.g. flexibility to work from home, good food at the office, even a company sponsored trip to the Super Bowl. As time went on, the emotional and physical demands of her job began wearing on her. 

A vital human who values interpersonal connection and time spent near the ocean, she describes staring at a computer screen all day as soul-deadening. She is required by her job to be constantly “on,” available for emotional labor and problem solving. These demands are beginning to deplete her ability to enjoy activities outside of work. She finds that she doesn’t have energy to do the things she would like to do on evenings and weekends. Unlike that frog, she realizes that she should jump ship but inertia and fear over losing access to healthcare keep her stuck. She says, “The money is not worth it. I would actually pay them for time off.” She is thinking of a career change but isn’t sure what to do. 

My friend would like to find work that is stimulating and plays on her strengths. She has wisely started exploring her interests by asking herself, “What do I like?” It’s a very simple question but simple is not always easy. She has found this query surprisingly difficult to answer and she is not alone. Burnout is a joy killer. Whether you’re interested in career change or more fulfilling leisure time, here are some suggestions to help reconnect with your desires:

Backpacking in the Sierras, 2021

Recall what you liked as a child. What would your younger self be sad to hear that you are no longer doing? What would have your younger self loved to have done that you couldn’t do as a child? Although I now see the racist colonialism of Little House on the Prairie, I loved the books as a child and would pretend to be  “pioneer girls” with my sisters in the park across the street from our house. We would wrap a slice of bread in a napkin and pretend we had to subsist on the minimal things we had in our imaginary covered wagons as we traveled out west. Lo and behold, many years later, I still love the adventure of traveling a great distance while carrying everything you need, i.e. backpacking. What did you make-believe and what does that tell you about your heart’s longing?

Reflect on what fascinates and terrifies you. When I was 22 one of my coworkers told me that she went to Europe by herself for 3 weeks. I was intrigued, impressed, and intimidated by her story. I distinctly remember saying, “I could NEVER do that. I would cry myself to sleep every night.” And yet, one year later I embarked on a one month solo trip to Europe. If I did cry on that first night, safe in a hostel bunk in Paris, it was from joy and pride in the fact that I somehow made it to the other side of the world all by myself. We are much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Where in your life have you let fear take the lead?

Notice the experience of joy and pleasure in your body. The more familiar you are with what pleasant sensations feel like in your body, the easier you will be able to recognize the simple things you like. Whether we are numbed from burnout, dissociated from trauma, or socialized as children by culture and/or our families of origin to ignore our inner experience, many of us struggle to pick up on these sensations. Scientists have mapped where people feel emotions in their bodies. When I first looked at the data, human shaped figures filled in with colors corresponding to various emotional states, I was astonished. For years anytime my therapist would ask me where I felt a particular emotion in my body, I had no idea how to answer. These two things have helped: 

• Day-to-day mindfulness of emotions. When a feeling comes up as I’m going about my day, I take a brief pause (it can be 5 seconds or less if I’m really in the middle of something) to turn inward. I ask myself, “Where do I feel this emotion in my body right now?” If you’re stumped, don’t be discouraged. It’s normal. Just keep asking. 

• Formal meditation practices, e.g. body scans. The benefits of a body scan are twofold. Body scans will help you become more familiar with turning inward and feeling the physical sensations in your body. Additionally, research shows body scans facilitate stress reduction. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be for joy to arise.  If you Google “body scan meditation,” there will be countless guided meditations to choose from. Here are simple instructions:

  • First and foremost, as with all meditation practices, try to maintain an attitude of curiosity and kindness

  • Get comfortable. Sit or lie down.

  • Take a few deep breaths. Notice where you feel breath in your body. Allow your breath to slow and deepen if that’s available.

  • Systematically scan your entire body. Start at your feet or your head and work your way up or down. There’s no wrong way to do it. 

  • If you feel tension or discomfort, visualize your breath flowing into that part of your body and the tension flowing out of your body with your exhale.

Maybe rediscovering childhood passions, examining self-limiting beliefs, or a body scan won’t immediately give you an “Ah ha!” moment about what to do with your career but it is a start. In my experience, big changes start with small changes. Small changes initiate a domino effect. Even uncovering a small ember of enthusiasm can spark vitality in one's life yet again.

Learning From our Fantasies

I’m planning a trip to Great Britain at the end of the month and I put a call out to my social media followers for some very specific requests. I asked for people to recommend the following: 

• Hikes

• Scenic drives

• Unique accommodations 

• Bathtubs

• Charity shops

• Haunted castles

• Campsites

• Hippy towns that will remind me of my hometown, Santa Cruz

• Natural wonders

• Places that will make me feel like I’m in Harry Potter

• Places that will make me feel like I’m in a fairy tale

• Weirdo intentional communities

• Favorite petrol station snacks

Pai, Thailand

One of my greatest delights while traveling is trying regional snacks from convenience stores. Not all convenience stores are created equal, some are far superior than your average American ampm. After a 6 month trip to Southeast Asia and Japan I had to train my brain to stop being excited when I saw a 7-eleven. Thai 7-elevens are air conditioned oases that have Thai Iced Tea on tap and provide a welcome respite from the sweltering heat. Circle K shopkeepers in Bali put out lovely daily morning offerings of incense and flower petals on the ground at doorways and in aisles, which are meant to extend gratitude for peace on earth. Fun fact: outside of airports and post offices, 7-elevens are the only place you can use an American debit card to withdraw cash at ATMs in Japan. The quality of convenience store sushi I ate in Japan exceeds restaurant sushi I’ve eaten in the states. Will I buy a savory hand pie and two Cadbury Violet Crumbles every time I fill my tank in England like I did in New Zealand? Hopefully! Lord knows I am never excited about eating gas station food at home but the novelty of international convenience store cuisine tickles me. I love seeing how mundane, everyday things are actually very specific to our culture. Too much good stuff indeed.

Ok, enough about convenience stores. I could go on to extol the virtues of hiking, soaking in bathtubs, and thrifting while abroad as well but I won’t. I share my personal travel interests as a means of helping you reflect on your own. What would be on your vacation to-do list? What are you into? Give yourself a moment to close your eyes and imagine your perfect vacation. If money, time, and responsibilities were no barrier, what sounds perfect right now? Get real specific:

• Where would you go? 

• What would you do? 

• Who would be there?

• How would you feel?

• What would you hope to learn?

• How long would you stay?

• Would you stay in one place or move around a lot?

Even if you’re not presently planning a vacation, the fantasies we have can reflect imbalances in our lives. Someone who fantasizes about beachside margaritas may be overworked and need more rest and relaxation. If possible, by all means, make that fantasy a reality. Schedule that vacation. But, if you don’t have the time, money, or freedom to do so, the good news is that you don’t have to take your dream vacay to meet your unmet need. 

My current vacation desires, e.g. going abroad but to an English speaking country and finding places that remind me of home, Harry Potter, or familiar fairy tales, reflect to me that I need something novel but not too exotic after a long period of pandemic unpredictability. If I couldn’t go on real vacation right now, maybe I would visit a friend in a nearby town. If it’s a tipsy tropical beach vacation you’re seeking, schedule a night out with friends and/or a spa day. If you’re fantasizing about spending one month alone in a rural hermitage, schedule more alone time and regular breaks from your devices. If you want to visit ancient Greek ruins or the Roman colosseum, take an intro to archeology class or learn about the history of your local environment. If you’re fantasizing about spending 5 months hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, plan some hikes in nearby parks or an overnight backpacking trip. 

If it’s hard for you to imagine what kind of stuff you would like to do, that’s something to note too. Apathy and emotional exhaustion are often a consequence of chronic stress and burnout. Sometimes the meaning and purpose we’ve lost at work begins to extend to our personal lives. Maybe you have no idea what you do with free time if you had it. Maybe the idea of having a lot of free time fills you with some dread. If this describes you, don’t worry. It is possible to recover from burnout. I will have some suggestions on how to identify what brings your joy on the next blog in two weeks.